how to have me!

For arranging bookings or general enquiries a text is perfect, but please keep these concise and above all, relevant – don’t forget to tell me when you’re hoping to book and for how long! For same day or short notice appointments please contact me before 6pm.

If I don’t answer your message right away, it’s either before 9am, after 9pm or I’m busy (sorry); My UK mobile number is 07510 575903.

If you prefer to call that’s up to you, but the only time I’ll answer is when I’m expecting somebody to arrive in the next five minutes, so any conversation is going to be extremely brief and the rest of the time my call blocker is permanently on. Again, to book please send a polite, specific text message (and also bear in mind that ringing excessively over a short period will make you look nuts).


I will always meet you clean, fresh and well-groomed and expect the same from you (no stubble, strong aftershave or fragrance please).

If you’ve had a long day and not had time to shower, just say – you’re very welcome to use mine! Proper beards will always be very welcome too. I like them.

Please be punctual (and see here for why early is worse than late) and if you’re a little behind schedule, just keep me posted! If you need to cancel please let me know in good time – I don’t book appointments close together, but if I have waited more than ten minutes and not heard from you your number will be blacklisted.

If you smell of alcohol (or at any point appear to be drunk or intoxicated), use racist, misogynistic or abusive language, or behave in a violent, aggressive or threatening manner towards me I will end the appointment and you will have forfeited your right to either my company or a refund. There are plenty of ways we can both behave badly which are much more fun.

Above all, I expect to be treated with courtesy and respect at all times, and please be assured that I will do likewise.