adore amy

health and efficiency…

I post as an addendum to my previous rushed message and from my soft, fragrant and relaxing corner of the eminently comfortable Champney’s lounge in which I am temporarily and peacefully resident.

Rather less-than-usefully, said lounge emerges as the only area on the premises with WiFi (no broadband in rooms at all, not even one of the ever more antiquated-looking clunky black plug-in boxes I often find on my travels when I am too mean and grumbly to pay extra for the comparatively liberated wireless service). The scourge that is the mobile phone, crass and brazen enemy of blissful languor is, excitingly, banned completely from all public areas, although I have observed some almost comically furtive use by those for whom actually switching the object off and leaving it in another room is akin to losing a vital organ, or perhaps an offspring.

I have, in the past hour, consumed so much healthy (and thus guilt-free – it is truly amazing what your brain can convince you of when whatever your well-piled plate contains is festooned with pumpkin seeds) and nutritionally balanced lunch from the buffet (also for future reference, and for those with nothing left to fear from the complex carbohydrate, the Pasta Station, where charming and youthful chefs in gleaming whites whip up, to order, the fusilli/fettucine or farfalle of your choice although from an observer’s viewpoint, it does appear to help enormously if your choice is pesto), that any question of swimming, sauna-ing or God forbid, the gleaming state-of-the-art gym, is going to be completely out of the question for at least a couple of hours; in fact any purposeful movement other than typing is unlikely in the extreme. Gone forever are the days of cabbage soup, plain lettuce and suitcase searches by stoic, matronly types determined to confiscate anything containing the kind of fat which is desirably solid at room temperature (mistrustful and suspicious soul that I am, I was not convinced of this and arrived with 6 mini Babybels and a Snickers discreetly concealed in a gym sock), and thank God for that.

Those of you who have not met me would be forgiven for suspecting that I might be cynical about the entire ethos of these places (and those who have will be in no doubt whatsoever), but I have been relieved to find that my surroundings do exactly as it says on the tin, naturally at a price, but well worth it. Unusual though it is for me to find myself in almost exclusively female company, I have enjoyed myself a great deal and being surrounded by lovely ladies of all ages, shapes and sizes and in every possible state of undress for the majority of the week has been a real pleasure, and also a great leveller – everyone is indeed created equal when removed from their usual trappings of clothes/hair/makeup, thoroughly washed, and placed in a nice white dressing gown and slippers. For my part I have swapped girly tips and stories, got through three items from my ever-growing paperback pile, been running on a treadmill (thanks to my specially purchased sports bra, I was even able to do so without having to keep one arm braced firmly across my chest in the manner that all ladies similarly blessed are used to doing when ascending staircases and so on),  and most enjoyably, used a hula-hoop for the first time in around thirty years.

Back tomorrow, and as previously stated, evening bookings only for at least the next few days. All enquiries welcome – Edinburgh bookings are starting to gain pace and I am looking forward to my visit very much! Meanwhile, I am planning to spend a pleasant hour dozing in my corner before a facial of the more traditional kind than I have become accustomed to, not least because the monies are flowing in the opposite direction and no gentlemen are involved in any stage of the process. I am sure, however that this coming week will see a more usual range of activities for me and my newly softened, pampered and polished physique and after a week with nary a Y chromosome in sight, I cannot say I’m not looking forward to it!

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